To move, or not to move?

There are a couple of sayings that I've begun to identify with life as of late. One being, "Life is what happens when you're making other plans", and my personal favorite, "If you wanna make God laugh, tell Him your plans". That last one must be true. I'm certainly not laughing.

Please, hear my heart on this. I love God. When things are going GREAT in my life, I REALLY love God! Honestly, I try very hard not to think I can make it on my own, but aside from throwing up the quintessential "Praise God" when things are rolling along pretty good, I tend to puff up a bit and think I can handle life by my own wits... However, the more I come to know God, I realize this is a dangerous pattern of thought. The enemy loves this weakness, in me especially. It's tiring, actually. Because when things start turning to doo doo (as they sometimes do do); I'm forced to get my knees dirty (AGAIN!), humble myself, and give my life back to the life Giver. This constant tug & pull, push & shove on my life is down right exhausting. Why do I fall for the lies that say "You the (wo)man! You are invincible!" "Self-sufficiency is the key to happiness ever after!" The epitome of oxymoron's is Christian "self-help". Whatever... I'm sick of the lies this world spoon feeds us! Me, especially! Take this slow collapse of our economy - I sense it can be contributed to many, many lies, we as a people, teetering on our own Godlessness, have fallen prey to. But, I fear the topic of spiritual warfare would be too much to handle for those conditioned to see only that which stares them in the face. I'm learning that it's the things I can't see that I must rely on God for. We would all do well to remember that.

Anyway, back to my original thought, and my "plans", which, unfortunately, aren't turning out like I thought they would (Hmmm, can you hear God giggling yet?) As much as I would love to get into the history of my desire to "move on", I can't possibly convey the deep longings of my heart and have you, my dear reader, understand this path of much resistance & fire, of which God seems to be purifying me. The trouble I have is persevering with Joy, because it goes against everything this world has conditioned me to. Nobody wants to suffer! I seriously doubt you'll find anyone who is suffering Joyfully. But, did you know it is a command? Let me know if you'd like me to comment further on that.

You see, I'm rambling again... To move on, or not to move on? Well, it would seem that God is reminding me of what I said a little over 5 years ago upon moving into our current home. "Honey, I promise, this is the last move we'll make! I swear, you will have to carry me out of this place in a pine box." Uhhh, be careful what you wish for? You see, I wasn't prepared to fall madly in love with Jesus. It just happened! In 2004, prior to opening up my little perfumery business, I read this gem of a book called "The Sacred Romance" and it messed me up - in a good way! Because reading that book allowed me to see my Christianity as a relationship with Jesus - and NOT religion. Well, that little book led me to many, many more great books (send a COMMENT and I will be glad to share titles). God stirred my heart in ways that I can't describe, and I can only say that this was the beginning of my great love affair with the Heavenly Father. Now, to some that probably sounds a little weird, but hey, we've all had those 'you had to be there' experiences. Well, 2005 rolled around (we had lived in my "dream house" for 2 years) and I began to get a little restless. My little business was floundering, and our other business was suffering growing pains with subcontractors, so we decided to go on a family vacation to La Paz, Mexico. I don't know about my husband or my daughter, but I got bit by the travel bug. And despite tipping kayaks in the Sea of Cortez, and snorkeling with aggressive sea lions, I suddenly felt the call to sell EVERYTHING (see Mark 10:21)! But it helps for that call to be heard by my husband, too. Unfortunately, that call didn't come for him until 2008. Which, brings us up to date. Here we are - 5 years, 1 failed business, 1 internal "home makeover", and 1 relocated home business later, and everybody in this country is seeing their home values drop, like a rock. That would include ours. But wait, did I mention Hawaii? The islands that captured my heart with the kind of beauty & warmth only God is capable of? My very first visit was in 2006. Since then, 2 more visits have ensued. I felt more healing begin there (hey, what can I say, it's a long process!) and I knew that I was meant to have a little slice of earthly paradise, if only for a little while. Aside from Jesus, Hawaii has become my passion. I dream about it, look for jobs, houses to rent, read the local news there, you name it, in my mind, I already live there. This presents a little problem, and we all know this as.... you guessed it - Geography! You see, while my mind is there, my body is not, and it doesn't look like this is happening anytime soon. Are you feeling sorry for me yet? While I try to usher in the promises of God, somehow it all feels so selfish, like I'm bargaining with God to get my way. My prayers have been that He would please bring buyers for our properties, so we can get out of debt, blah blah blah. I've even quoted Him scripture that should prove to Him we are trying to be all "religious". Hey, didn't God already let me off the hook with that stuff? Let's be real, and call it what it is - it's time to move on! Or not. Actually, nothing is moving, and that would include us.

It feels somewhat like my (our) prayers are being blocked by the well meaning people who love us, and don't want us to go, even though when my husband finally got his "call", he swore the Lord revealed Hawaii to him. Go figure! I guess when you're "open books" like we are, and you share dreams and life with people, it opens us up to a different dimension in the world. Once, what seemed like so much clarity has been clouded with fear & doubt, no less. I can say with much certainty that it's been difficult to discern what God would have our lives look like. Then last May, throw in a book "Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne, and if you're not already messed up, this book WILL do it to you. God completely took the focus OFF OF ME - go figure, again! And put it squarely on Jesus. I don't exactly know what is coming of it all, but I'm trying so hard to have faith that God is making a way - that He is purposing everything perfectly to His will, and not our own plans. I'm having to trust that our needs are going to be met. With our business being down 20%, and $3,000 in mortgages to pay, this is a toughie for me! That doesn't include any of our other bills, or the necessities such as food & clothing.

Matthew 19:26 "With God all things are possible" is the truth I'm clinging to, and not the lies. In my soul, I know that God longs to give me the desires of my heart. I just didn't quite see that He needed to place those desires there, and that He needs to move me (us) through a few detours before His plans become our life, and our life becomes His plan. Perhaps then will we hear His joyful laughter, and enjoy the fruits of our labor. Until then, I can only keep praying.

The Hamster Wheel

Ever have those days when it feels like life has you running on a hamster wheel? You know the ol'saying, the faster I go, the behinder I get? Well, the more I learn about Jesus, the more it is revealed to me that I've been living on the hamster wheel, and not just taking the occasional spin.

I've just finished reading two very different, but tremendous books, "The Shack" by William P. Young, and "Searching for God Knows What" by Donald Miller. The first one belongs to the genre of Christian fiction, and the second one is more or less a book about the author's theological opinion as to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Like I said, both are very different, but I can't help thinking I've been given 2 special gifts in these amazing reads! I can "think" my way out of most anything, so I just want to stay in the "gifting" for now. I highly recommend both, as one or the other has the potential to change your life, or at the very least your musings about God, Jesus and most certainly "religion". Personally, I hate religion. It has and continues to ruin lives. I will never believe that when God created the universe, that He had religion on the checklist for those He created in His image. But, that's a whole other ball of somethin'... maybe later.

So, I encourage you to step off the hamster wheel - open your heart up to new possibilities and awaken yourselves to the wonder of it all! Perhaps you will find what you've been chasing after has been there all along...

Blessings!

Disappointment

Some days I would give anything to be a kid again... the disappointments of childhood seem so small compared to the disappointments of adulthood. But I suppose it's all in the perspective.

I've been a mother since I was 17. Some would say that's pretty young, but there have been those who went down the intrepid path of motherhood younger than that. It really doesn't matter how old you are, it's universal - once you become a parent something inside our soul shifts. You know that you would do anything to avoid having your child experience pain, or disappointment. It's as if this invisible shield goes up all around, lasting but only a short while. At some point, you know their bubble will have to burst. Hurts will flood over our carefully constructed walls; tears will fall; hopefully forgiveness and time will wash the pain away. As moms, we want to "fix", offer wise counsel, and get on with doing life. We go on, somehow, as Moms always do. Pretty soon, the kids grow up (or not) and enter that awful & beautiful world; full of wonder and disappointment. I hated that part. Knowing I couldn't do one darn thing to cushion the blows this world can deliver. That's the intersection of hope and faith, for parents, I believe. Hope that your kids don't fall and decide to stay down, and the faith they'll pick themselves up and move on; tucking each lesson under their belt to lash back when life gets rough.

Funny, I hadn't started preparing myself for the disappointing blows my now adult child is bringing me. All these emotions I wasn't quite ready for - pride, anger, confusion, profound sadness. Doesn't he know what I gave up for him to have life? It sounds a little selfish, but really, what right does he have to throw his life away? Oh, the lies that have come creeping in, accusing me of being a terrible mother, etc. All I really want him to see in himself is the potential for greatness that I see. It seems he, like so many young people are settling for so much less.

So, I pray, and God, being the remarkable One He is, spoke so clearly to my heart. In an instant, He simply said, "Give him to me". Who am I to argue with that? In my most heartfelt prayer, I offered over my son, once again, to the God of mercy and grace. Immediately there was peace. Knowing that God loves my son more than I ever could is enough to soften the disappointment. All I needed was a little perspective, and I got it.